Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

A Missionary is Sent to Africa

A missionary is sent into the deepest, darkest part of Africa to live with a tribe.

He spends years with the people, teaching them to read and write, and preaching to them about the good Christian ways of the white man.

One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin: Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby.

The village is shocked and the chief is sent to talk with the missionary.

Mommy and Our Piano Tuner, to Use a Hypothetical Example

Father to little daughter: You are the most beautiful girl in this photo... and I'm not biased.
(daughter smiles)
Father: Do you know what "biased" means?
Daughter (rolling her eyes): Yes, it means that you like both boys and girls.

--F Train


Saying The Right Thing

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business
function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack
looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

Checking account

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account”

To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”
“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”
“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”

Best Irish joke of 2006 (allegedly)

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”.

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

Clever Couple

A couple in their seventies went to a sex therapist's office in Melbourne..

The doctor asked, 'What can I do for you?' The old man said, 'Will you watch us have sex?' The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, 'There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex,' and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally the doctor asked, 'Just exactly what are you trying to find out?'

Pregnant Italian

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

Buying toilet paper

A man shopping in a supermarket took his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, “Sir, do you have a dog?”

“Yes.” replied the man.

“Well, where is it?” asked the cashier.

“I left him home.” he answered.

“Sorry,” the cashier said, “You can’t buy the dog food if I can’t see the dog. That’s the rules.”

The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. “Do you have a cat?” asked the cashier. “Yes,” he said, “but I left him home.”


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