One Hundred One-liners
I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn't come back yet.
Bumpersticker: If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'?
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. 'No' is the answer.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
She said "Harder!" I did that. She said "Faster!" I did that. She said "Deeper!" I philosophized.
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
ARMY: The enemy diversion you were ignoring was the main attack.
ARMY: A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, dumb enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Life is a car wash.. and I'm on a bicycle.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Sanity is nice to visit but I wouldn't want to live there.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It's how he found out.
Stand on toilet: get high on pot.
If I throw a stick, will you go away?
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
All of the biggest technological inventions created by man - the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness. (Mark Kennedy)
If you can't face it, moon it.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
668 - The neighbour of the beast.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.
It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Warning: Survivors will be shot again
To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.
A life... cool.. where can I download one of those?
Computers will never replace books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.