Lucky Tramps

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

Drowned Wife

Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

11 Trippy Questions

How many of these can you get? Especially the last 4 are challenging. The are great for bars.

Q1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms: The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

Q2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

Pearls Of Wisdom

"Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn" by Dave Barry

40 Things you would like to say at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little "something extra" for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

THE BIG TEST

(Passing only requires 4 correct answers)

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get cat gut?

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI's first name?

8. What color is a purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10. What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Useless Facts

A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night.

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off - it dies from starvation.

A crocodile always grows new teeth to replace the old teeth.

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein.

A hard working adult sweats up to 4 gallons per day. Most of the sweat evaporates before a person realizes it’s there, though.

A hedgehog’s heart beats 300 times a minute on average.

A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.

Ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

1973 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack of his truck.

1973: Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his truck and gets his to show Jack.
2007: School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
+++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

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