Successful

Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

A Cop With a Sense of Humor

The person I heard this from ("Al" in the story) swears that it really happened. (And no, I'm not this "Mark" - you should be able to figure out why I chose those names. :)

Two guys (we'll call them "Mark" and "Al") are out cruising. Mark is driving, and they're on some out-of-the way roads. Mark is distracted and doesn't see a stop-sign, and a few moments after he runs it they hear a siren and see blue lights. Mark has never been stopped by the police before, and gets really nervous.

Idiot Awards

Number One Idiot : I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!”

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

Italian Speaking

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives.........

Useful Military Warnings

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

In a De-luxe Apartment in the Sky

Two kids are looking at the Dove ad campaign showing Hanna-Barbera characters with new hairdos.

Kid #1: Yo, look at that Jetsons mom's hair.
Kid #2: What's the Jetsons?
Kid #1: You don't know the Jetsons? Dem's those niggas that live in space.

--N train going uptown
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/
Source:
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/

I Actually Like You Better as a Werewolf

Guy, staring at girl: You look like someone I know.
Girl: It's me.
Guy: Oh, hi Alexis. You look different at eight in the morning.

--C train
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/
Source:
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/

But I Also Like Cleaning and Sucking C_ck!

Hot southern girl #1: So, before I came up here my mom is like, "Be very careful around those northern boys, they think all southern girls just love to cook and fuck."
Hot southern girl #2: Oh my gosh, are you serious? They think that? That's so messed up!
Hot southern girl #1: I know!
Hot southern girl #2: But I really do love to cook... And fuck.
Hot southern girl #1: I know... Me too.

NY Age of Consent Is 17 -- Coincidence?

Girl #1: So when was your first kiss?
Girl #2: My 17th birthday.
Girl #1: How about your first time making out?
Girl #2: Also my 17th birthday.
Girl #1: ...first blowjob?
Girl #2: This is awkward. 17th birthday, again.
Girl #1: How about when you lost your virginity?
Girl #2: 17th.
Girl #1: How about the first time you --
Girl #2: I know what you're about to ask, and the answer is "my 17th birthday" again.
Girl #1: God damn! What the hell did you do for your 18th birthday?

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