USMC General vs. NPR Reporter

One of the best quips of all time, this is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female reporter and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

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FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

Little Johnny

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

A Professional Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

Quote Of The Day

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
-- Mariah Carey

Mating Bulls

A man takes his wife to the county livestock show, and they head down the aisle that houses the bulls. The sign on the first stall states: THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. Isn't that nice!" After passing a bull that had mated 65 times, she grinningly quips, "You could learn from this one!"

They reach the last bull, whose owner is stroking the massive beast's head. "How many times has your bull mated this year?" asks the wife.

"This here's the pride of the County: 365 times, ma'am."

One Hundred Bucks For Sex

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...
but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
but the girl said, "NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend...
so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Learning Math in Church

A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break...but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't doing everything and anything to help their son...Private tutors, peer assistance, CD-Roms, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.

Things Not To Say at a Job Interview

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:

One Hundred One-liners

1.
I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

2.
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.

3.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

4.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

5.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

6.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Why you should never question a drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

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